On my sixth season Dan Humphrey game.

On my sixth season Dan Humphrey game.

An Open Letter To My Ex Girlfriend’s Cats

Dear Batman and Tabitha,

I would like to start off by explaining that Alex and I’s separation has nothing to do with the both of you; in fact, I wish we could have worked out our issues so I’d be able to watch you grow. Not seeing your furry little ears or breaking up your fights in bed every night will leave an unfulfilled emotional strain on my heart that can never be replaced. I know how much you guys loved laying on me, letting me pet your stomachs, and keeping me company whenever I couldn’t sleep, but you have to understand that I can’t be there for you anymore. We have to learn how to move on and grow from our shared experiences.

You might be feeling angry, confused, or betrayed, and that’s normal during a time like this, but I’d like to remind you that no matter who’s petting you next, I will always love you. And Although I realize the two of you are just cats without a developed sense of true emotion, I genuinely believe you did love me and will miss me with your little hearts.

Batman: From the moment I met you I knew you were an incredibly special cat, and I mean it 100%. I’ve never met a cat so interested in what I was doing that he literally looked sad enough to shed a tear when he wasn’t involved. Whether I was playing on my phone, fixing the bed, or having sex, you were always nose-deep in my activities and I loved you for it. Sure, I may have gotten a little aggravated at times when you’d lick my eyelids while I was asleep; and yes I did hate the way you forced Tabitha out of Alex’s room for an entire month, but we were always able to settle everything with a good cuddle. I could grab you from whatever you were doing, pull you in tight, and fall asleep with you in my arms purring like a machine. You are the most loyal cat in the history of cats and I hope you never lose your youth. Please take care of yourself and try to quit chewing on plastic bags, it’s a dirty habit to pick up! You’re better than that, Bat.

Tabitha: You are a smart, strong, sensual cat with a lot on your plate (not literally because I feel like you didn’t get fed too often) who has the ability to put a smile one anyone’s face. Not only are you the emotion of the entire apartment, but you are the sane cat (no offense Batman, but you are kinda nutty) who truly understands humans. Remember Alex’s birthday party and how awkward it was at the beginning when no one really knew each other? What did you? You hung out in the middle of the room flashing your butt and letting complete strangers pet you for hours. Most cats would have hid when they heard a crowd of people — but not you — you knew how important the event was for Alex and made sure everyone bonded over your fur coat. You were the life of the party and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for making it such a special night. You may have been the runt of your litter and Batman is constantly beating you up, but you have never backed down from a challenge and that deserves praise. I know it must have been difficult not going into Alex’s room that one month Batman wouldn’t let you in, but I’m glad I was able to convince you that Alex’s room NEEDED you in it to function properly. You are the unsung hero of apartment 3. I hope you take good care of Alex and bite any new boys you meet. That’d be really great if you could actually.

My heart breaks thinking I will probably never see you two again, but I need you to be strong and carry on without me. You have changed my life and I’ll never forget what you did for Alex and I. Pets like you don’t come around too often so it’s important to remember that you are deeply loved, the world needs you, and to continue being yourselves. Never stop being yourselves. 

Love,

Joey Acott

Happy Easter.

Happy Easter.